Fear, Anxiety, Depression, and all the other emotions we never share

This may sound trite or that I am speaking ambiguously, but let me assure you that there are some very real things I have learned this summer.  And I am not writing this so that someone will say "oh, Mindy, are you okay?", but so that, one, I have some explanation for the serious blog lapse and two, because everyone goes through these emotions at some point in their life.  Everyone struggles, everyone has trials and setbacks, and yet, we never seem to talk about them.  So here's what I've come to realize:

*Fear is real. I always thought, "we all have fears - just deal with it".  But I'm not talking about being afraid of not doing well on a test or afraid the stain won't come out of the new shirt - I'm talking about pulse-racing, throat-closing, paralyzing fear. I walked out of the gas station the other day and there was a BIG dog in the back of a truck staring at us intently. It was very close and it made me quite uneasy, and the thought crossed my mind, "oh, what if that was a monkey". You're probably laughing, but immediately my heart was racing and I had this horrible anxiety over getting my kids in the car as quickly as possible. Crazy. I know. But again, I will never judge someone for having a fear of anything, no matter how simple or insignificant it may seem to me. (Confused? See this post.)

*On a more serious note, I learned that there is a difference between being depressed and depression, but it is a very fine line.  And either way, it is more debilitating than I ever understood.  Sometimes there is a clear and definable explanation for it and sometimes there isn't, and even when there is, there may be no way to solve it.

*It is actually good to talk about your struggles with someone.  And as sad as it may sound, it feels good and comforting to know that they struggle too.  Sometimes with the same things, sometimes different, but it is good to see your friends and loved ones behind the facade.

*I have an amazing support system.  There are so many people that care about me and my husband and my children.  I am so blessed.  I read a quote recently on a friend's blog and it is so fitting  . . . "Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it." -Henri Nouwen.  I am so grateful for the friends (and family) that have been willing to go there with me and that understood the true compassion I really needed.

*I will never again judge another mother for not doing this or that, for letting her children run wild outside, for not paying attention to them at the park - because I may have no idea what she is going through.  It may be all she can do to fulfill their basic needs and keep it together, when the rest of her world is falling apart.  In fact, I think I will think twice before judging anyone.  We can be having regular everyday conversations with people and have no idea what is going on in their world, that they may be going through the biggest trial of their lives.  You never know what's going on in the "background".

*For all the times in my life that I have complained about my parents, they must have done something right.  I know where to turn in times of trial.  I know where to find peace.  I know in the depth of my being that Jesus Christ is THE way to survive things we never thought we could.  I know I can pray and receive answers.  I have always known, but that must have come from somewhere.  Thanks Mom & Dad.

*I can do hard things.  I am stronger than I sometimes think I am, but it is okay not to be a beacon of strength all the time.  It's okay to show my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.  Sometimes, that is what helps us get through hard things - understanding that we have these frailties, but can rise above and become even better than we were, more courageous, more understanding, more sympathetic to others.  Growing from our trials is what this mortal life is all about. 

*Lastly, I know that Jesus Christ bled in Gethsemane not just for the sins of the world, but for all the pain, sorrow, heartache, agony of spirit that we might ever feel.  He walked the path of my life and felt my specific pains so that He would know how to lift me out, so that He could have perfect empathy.  I know that despite trials, despite hurt and heartache, that I have been deeply blessed in recent months.  I have come to a greater understanding and appreciation for the atonement.  I now know much more intimately what it means to call him my Savior.  I honestly don't know how people survive the unexpected challenges of life without this knowledge.

And now that I have gotten all this (whatever this is) out in the open, hopefully I can rejoin the blogging world for I truly do enjoy writing and sharing, and despite certain challenges, we have had an amazingly fun summer!  So be prepared for the onslaught of a plethora of posts about India, Bear Lake, Idaho, parades, swimming, camping, biking, fishing, boating, etc, etc, etc.

Not so cute and cuddly

Out early one morning, we ran into these guys.  At first, I thought "So cool!  I always wanted to see monkeys in India!"  We snapped a few pics . . .

but then, the guy who's house it was started chasing them away. . .

So we followed them, because I was trying to get a close up of the little baby monkeys.

 
But see this daddy monkey?  He and his buddies really didn't like that . . .

5 or 6 cute little animals turned into raging psycho possessed monkeys chasing me down the road.  Luckily only one of them got to me.  I think the rest were scared off after my wild scream of insane fear for my life.

Yes, there was a hole in my shirt.  And yes, except for the PTSD, I am okay now.

Short but oh so sweet

Last month I made a quick trip to Denver (just me!).  And even though it was short and I got totally sick onthe fight over, I always like being with my family and I LOVED seeing my little brother perform for the first time (my first time seeing him, not his first time performing...).

And since it just so happened that I was there on Earth Day, we also got to spend a few hours at:

It was all beautiful Spring blooms and I got to spend some time with some of my favorite people!

my cute niece

 my best friend from high school

I also got to talk to my niece's girl scout troop (my sis is the leader) about some of my experiences around the world.  They were such great girls!  I showed them lots of pictures and we did a paper bead craft, just like they do in Uganda.  I know I had fun, and I hope they did too!

But the main event I went for was "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown".  Now you have to understand that up until a year or two ago, Mason was a serious soccer kid; all about sports.  And all his life, he's been the most quiet and reserved of all of us (which is not saying much, but he was really kind of shy).  And then he starts doing tech theatre and building stages and sets (which he was totally good at, by the way), and THEN he was IN a play.  And now he is singing SOLOS as one of the LEADS in a musical!  But he will soon be graduating and maybe this will be the end of his acting career.  So now you know why I HAD to see this play!   And I was definitely not disappointed.  Mason was amazing.  I love that boy. 

(Sorry the pics aren't that great, and don't really do his singing ability any justice, but here ya go.  He's the one in the blue & purple striped shirt - aka Schroeder.)

 Mason had a great cheering section that night.  "WooHoo! That's my brother!!"  I hope we didn't embarass him too much. :)

All my siblings - SO great to be all together again!

Where in the World

Can you guess where I'm going this summer? 

Here are your clues...

I will be working with this anti-trafficking organization and this microfinance institution, among others.

I may wear something that looks like this:

And celebrity sightings may include these two:

If you haven't figured it out yet or want to find out more, click here.

Nothing to do with Thanksgiving

My friend, Kate, tagged me this week on her blog. This means I HAVE to answer the questions. hehe. Actually, it's kind of funny because I was literally just thinking that I haven't been tagged for anything in awhile and I thought "Maybe nobody likes me anymore" and then I thought, "No, it's probably just that the 'tagging' fad has passed and nobody does that anymore". But low and behold, I find myself sitting here thinking about actually posting these. Crazy, I know, I think I have several other "tags" that have fallen away in my drafts that I never completed - so sorry to all my other friends, it doesn't mean I love you any less. :)

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

Riding the roller coaster of "Marriage Year One". (Also, going to UVSC - finally half-way applying myself at school; living in a duplex in Provo; working for a rich lady who did business in the middle east; rollerblading all the time; going to physical therapy for a car accident I was in; still writing wedding gift thank you notes; wearing 3 sizes smaller than I do now; watching movies in the middle of the day; eating out at least 60% of the time; playing with my dog, zip; and other things that newlyweds do often . . .)

2. What are five things on your to-do list?

My "weighing on my mind" to-do list:
1. Go grocery shopping - I have been doing the "quick trip" for like two weeks now, but it is time to make some meal plans and get some real food (but oh how I hate taking 3 kids!)
2. Plan my Thanksgiving themed preschool for next Tuesday
3. Finish putting together the budget and other logistics for the Board/Donor trip I am proposing for HELP International (the non-profit I work with )
4. Finish all the family Christmas gifts I am making before I leave for Denver on Dec. 3
5. Keep up with the 12 days of Thanksgiving on my blog that I "promised" to do

My Life To-Do List
1. Write a book
2. Get a post-graduate degree
3. Visit every continent multiple times (except Antarctica - I think just once will do)
4. Be one of those people where others say, "Now she has alot of experience, you should ask her."
5. Be a REAL social entrepreneur, change lives and inspire others to do the same

3. What are snacks you enjoy?

I think I am like most women - depends on my mood. For the sweet stuff: really good chocolate chip cookies, fudge covered oreos, brownies, creamies, these triple chocolate blondies that I make, and pretty much anything that has chocolate or caramel and NO nuts. If I'm in a salty mood: cheetos, plain original pringles, and chips and salsa (or queso). And of course, occasionally, when my kids are watching, I snack on apples, bananas, yogurt, or carrots. And I don't know if this counts as a snack or a staple, but I love me a good Mountain Dew - any time, any place.

4. What are the places you have lived?

In order: Englewood, CO; Provo, UT; Dallas, San Antonio, Houston, TX; Denver, CO; Provo, UT; Ogden, UT; Provo,UT; and now I (semi-)permanently reside in Spanish Fork, UT (sometimes referred to as "Spanish Fark")

**When I first read this, I thought it said "What are the places you have liked?" . And I think that's funner, so I think I will answer that too. Of course, I think I have liked everywhere, so I will just list my favorites - just in case you are wondering where to go on your next vay-cay.

In no particular order - London; Switzerland; Guatemala; Russia; Iguazu Falls (Brazil); Yellowstone National Park (& Montana in general); South Dakota; Washington DC; Hawaii; Uganda; Seattle & Portland; and of course, I love Denver and Kingwood.

5. What are five things you would do if you became a billionaire?

In this order:
1. Pay off all my debt
2. Hire a really good, honest, morally sound financial person
3. Make sure none of my siblings or my parents are drowning in debt (unless it is by their own stupidity, then they will get no help from me whatsoever)
4. Figure out what amount I need to live on
5. Spend lots of time deciding which charities I love most and use the rest of the money for me and my family to travel, teach, serve, etc.
(oh, and my husband and I will continue to work so long as it is doing something that we love)

My five friends that have now been TAGGED (and will be monitered closely): Sarah B., Jennifer J. (you can do it after you recover from this month's blogging), Emily M., Janae R. and Krystal R.

Is competing with your husband healthy?

In this case, yes. So Russ and I are having a little competition (you can cheer for me, it's okay, I won't tell him), and the winner gets to choose whether we are going to Alaska or Africa next summer. Can you guess which one I am rooting for?

It's all about healthy habits - not dieting or losing weight. We are going until January and the one with the most points wins, end of story. So here's how it works - everyday you get one point for each of the following:
--No Soda, Etc (any empty calorie drinks)
--No Treats (this one you can actually get negative points if you eat more than one treat)
--Exercise (doesn't matter what, how long or how many times - just something)
--Eat Healthy (this means no chips, french fries, or anything you feel you have to sneak)

After one month, I was only ahead by 2 points. Now a couple weeks have passed and with Russ having one bad week, I am ahead by 9 points. We'll see what happens this week though - I have really faltered since my brother has been here, and I have two days of meetings this weekend, where I will probably sit around eating treats and drinking caffeine to stay awake. (Maybe I will have to leave Russ with something yummy to try and sabotage his weekend as well. he he.)


So I have had a bit of an extra challenge in this competition as I have been having serious problems with my hip. Just walking my son to school left me limping around like an 80 year old man. So I had to come up with something else to get my exercise in each day and here's what I found: The one-hundred push ups challenge. Check it out, see what you think; and maybe you will join me! I am on week 3 and still going strong. I will keep you posted on that one.

Wish me luck!

It's all about me

click on it if you can't read it very well.

PS Do you know why today is all about me? ;)

Bodas, burns and babies

So some of you may realize that I have actually already returned from Africa . . . but since it was nearly impossible to do anything on the super slow and unreliable internet there, my attempts to post were completely fruitless and frustrating. Hence, you will get my experiences piecemeal as I post over the next few days (which is better anyway, because now you will get pictures at the same time).

Oh and by the way, I had an awesomely incredible experience and if it hadn't been for my four boys waiting for me to come home, I think I could have stayed much, much longer. But I am so grateful for this opportunity and thanks to everyone who helped keep things running smoothly on the homefront while I was gone - especially my awesome hubby!

So the following has nothing to do with anything, just randomness from my trip . . .

In Uganda, one of the most popular forms of transportation is called a boda (pronounced boh-duh). It is dirt bike/motorcycle thing where you pay the driver the equivalent of a quarter or fifty cents and you can get pretty much anywhere in town. It is a little scary at times because there are not the traffic laws there are here and drivers will generally use any means necessary to reach their destination - including darting between trucks and buses, passing seconds before oncoming traffic reaches you, and speeding around on the shoulders of the road. Despite this, I rode one at least once a day, long distances and short, dirt roads and paved highways. Sometimes I thought it was kind of exciting and sometimes I had white knuckles. I was totally amazed at the local women who could sit side saddle, holding a baby and groceries and manage to balance and be totally at ease.

Bodas waiting outside the local "supermarket"

Woman catching a ride and transporting water on a boda

One bummer about the bodas - on my second ride I got a nasty burn on my leg from the exhaust pipe, despite having been warned to be careful. Not cool. But that may have been the only downside to my entire trip, so I'll take that over any other myriad of things that could have happened. It is still healing and funky looking, and I'm sure it will leave a pretty little scar, but it will make a great conversation piece, right?

One of my favorite things in Africa: kids carrying their siblings around. Although I am torn about kids taking on that much responsibility, but it is cute to see, because they are always so proud to show you their little baby and they love it when you ooh and aah over their little one. (Yes, one of the babes in the picture is totally asleep on her sister's back.)

This little baby was being held by her 5 or six year old sister, while her mom was learning how to make paper beads in one of our women's groups. The little one kept fussing, so of course, I couldn't resist any longer. I took here for awhile and she totally fell asleep in my arms. When she woke up, it was time for her to do her thing, and since most babies don't wear diapers, I used my jedi-like reflexes and professional mom skills to quiickly avert a poop disaster. Amazingly, I came out clothes and arms clean, although I think the mom was a little embarrassed. She ran out with the babe before I could tell her I have been pooped on many times and it really does not bother me. At any rate, the other volunteers were awed by my skills.

Don't worry, there are many more stories to come and they are not all about poop or nasty burns. And yes, I did work on some actual projects while there, so you will hear about those too.

Highlights of 2008 - Conference with Yunus

One of the highlights of my year was getting to attend the Social Business and Microeconomic Opportunities for Youth Conference in Denver in March. It was great for so many reasons. I got to go on a short trip without my kids, fly and hang with two of my good friends, stay in my Dad's hotel, see my brother Matt from Chicago, be there for my Dad's 50th birthday celebration and of course, the conference was awesome. The keynote speaker was Muhammed Yunus who recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in creating micro loans for the poor. He started in Bangladesh, where he is from, over 25 years ago and it has now become a worldwide movement with thousands of organizations providing microcredit and microbusiness training to the poorest of the poor (mostly people living on less than a dollar or two a day). I am so glad that he won this award, although he has revolutionized international development, he is such a humble and kind person - he deserves every bit of recognition! I enjoyed hearing him speak and the many others at the conference that really inspired me to continue on my path of finding ways to contribute to alleviating poverty around the world. (And yes, I was very pregnant in these pictures, ugh.)

I was privileged to get to have breakfast with Yunus one morning (me and 300 others). :)

Yunus, Me, and my friends, Jen Boehme Kumar and Genevieve Brown

I know you've been wondering

20 YEARS AGO . . . I was
1. Partying at the Houston Marriott (where Dad worked) for Mom's surprise 30th birthday and probably new year's eve.
2. Losing my younger brother at the Houston Galleria
3. taking picnics to the park with my friend and pretending I was homeless

10 YEARS AGO...I was
1. Dating my soon to be hubby - who took me shopping for my birthday
2. Failing out of almost all classes at my first semester of college
3. Working at Club Omni as a bartender (where I met my husband!)

5 YEARS AGO...I
1. graduated from BYU with a degree in International Studies, Latin American Studies Minor
2. had a baby during finals and walked at graduation while he was still at the hospital
3. isn't that enough?

3 YEARS AGO...I was
1. living in a two-bedroom duplex that we owned in Provo.
2. working at HELP International
3. Taking my brother to El Salvador and my husband to Guatemala and Belize

1 YEAR AGO...I was
1. hiding the fact that I was pregnant (because I was still in the denial phase)
2. driving Corbin 25min each way to preschool everyday so he could go to BYU
3. finally getting used to having two boys

THIS YEAR... I
1. had my third baby boy
2. have been doing an experiment on the effects of long-term sleep deprivation
3. became a blogger!

YESTERDAY...
1. Went fishing and picnicing at Spring Lake (I'll post pics soon)
2. Enjoyed having my husband home for an entire day and didn't get dressed until 11 o'clock
3. made to-die-for caramel brownies and hosted book club at my house

TODAY...
1. finally put up Halloween decorations with Corbin
2. returned the breast pump I had rented (pointless since Colton refuses to take a bottle)
3. ran errands (5 different places), including grocery shopping, with 3 boys - yes, I am crazy

TOMORROW...
1. Pick up my brother, Mason, at the airport at 8am
2. think of something fun to do with a 16 year old, a five year old, two year old and a baby
3. take a nap (ha, ha)

NEXT YEAR...
1. celebrate 10 year wedding anniversary by going to Africa
2. start a Masters program in either Non-profit Management or International Development
3. be done breastfeeding!

I think this was a fun tag, so if you want to do it, I TAG YOU!

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday (the big 3-0) was a few days ago and I have been meaning to post for awhile anyhow. So you know how people post when its their kids' birthdays - they write how wonderful they are and all the things they love about them? Well I thought since no one else is going to write about me, I would write all the things I love about myself and how much I have grown this year. Just kidding. But I did want to post about what a fun weekend I had! First of all my husband was off for three days in a row (well, he did work one night shift, but I was asleep so that doesn't really count). This is significant because I can hardly remember the last time he had one whole day off!


So Saturday morning I picked up my mom from the airport - yes, she came just for my birthday (and as a bonus she got to see her grandkids). We hung out for a bit and that afternoon I got to take a nap with my husband. Heaven! After that, Grandma stayed with the kiddos and Russ and I went to the movie. Colton is refusing to take a bottle (another story) so we came home, fed the little rugrat and then headed back out for dinner. We ate dinner at an Indian restaurant called Bombay house. It was so yummy, but it made us really miss our friends who just moved to Seattle (he used to cook us the BEST Indian food). When we got home all the boys were actually in bed AND asleep! Yeah!

Sunday we layed around all day. We tried to grill steaks, but we were out of propane. We cooked them on the stove, so not quite the same, but good. I left the house for only a few minutes to let the boys ride their bikes. It was so relaxing! Plus the Broncos won, so that made me happy.

On Monday (my actual birthday), Russ watched the boys while my mom and I went shopping and to lunch. It's always nice to have Mom around to pay for things. :) Shopping for what I want is always the best birthday present! So that was really fun. We went back to get Colton and head to the airport and I had a little surprise from my boys. They are so awesome! Corbin made this cool banner and he wrote it all by himself!
They also made me my favorite dessert - Ghiradelli Brownies! Too bad we had to discard the middle section because they were too hot and melted the candles. They were so good though!

That night after I took my mom back to the airport, we had dinner with Russ' parents - almost all food from their garden. Spaghetti squash, watermelon, cantalope, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, carrots, and more that I'm probably forgetting. Yum.

And that's not all! The celebration continued on Tuesday. Stayed tuned and prepare for the mouth watering that will occur . . .

Just Two Things

My sister tagged me a few days ago, or maybe it was like a week or two ago, I have no idea. So here it is . . .

Two things you go by:
1. Mom
2. Babe

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. a brown shirt with a big white spit up spot on it
2. shorts that used to be too small (yay!)

Two things you want very badly at this moment:
1. a full night's sleep (ha,ha)
2. Money (sounds vain, I know, but sometimes I think it would relieve just a little stress)

Two things you did last night:
1. ate dinner made by my husband
2. hosted a women's group for church (group visiting teaching - interesting, eh?)

Two things you ate yesterday:
1. like 5+ butterscotch birds nest things
2. totinos pizza
(It's all part of my "Eat cookies and lose weight" diet - I'll have to write about it sometime)

Last two people you talked to: (if you don't count yelling at my kids to stay in bed)
1. My friend Amber who just had back surgery
2. My husband who is at work

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. getting a haircut - hopefully
2. attempting to clean my house before my mom comes this weekend

Two longest car rides:
1. Road Trip from Colorado to Arizona to Las Vegas to southern California all the way up to San Francisco and ending in Utah
2. Family vacation from Houston to Orlando, FL

Your two favorite holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Halloween/Fall

Favorite vacations: (recently?)
1. Belize
2. Yellowstone

Favorite beverages:
1. ice cold water
2. Fuse Peach Mango
(Yes, I finally kicked the Dew addiction)

I tag Janae, Emily, and Dorie. What are just two things about you?

HELP

So you may be wondering why I fell off the grid for awhile, or maybe you didn't. But it has been quite awhile since I posted anything. Amid other activities and constantly trying to wrangle my three little hooligans, I participated in a planning retreat for the non-profit organization of which I serve on the board of trustees. It was really amazing. I love being a part of it. For all you blog stalkers out there who have been reading about my boys and know very little about me, I started working for HELP International about 4 and a half years ago. I took a hiatus after I had Cody, but they couldn't live without me so I agreed to go back. It was the absolute best job for several reasons; 1-I could make my own hours, 2-It actually fit with my degree, and 3-I was truly passionate about what I was doing. Before I had Colton, I decided I wanted to direct my full attention to my family, so they voted me onto the Board. Now I just get to be a part of the good stuff without having to worry about the day to day junk. So now you are asking "what the heck is HELP International anyway?"

(At this point I just have to make a side note: Do not attempt to look up their website, it is quite pitiful and I am somewhat ashamed of it. We began creating a new website several months ago and in the interim - supposedly 2-3 weeks - had a volunteer put up this basic website. Well, in the world of non-profit, some things just get pushed to the wayside and for us, this year, the website was just one of them. However, the new one should be up and running around the middle of next month - so I will give you the go ahead when it is okay to check it out. Until then, you will just have to read this blog for what it is.)

So back to the original discussion, HELP International is a non-profit organization started 10 years ago by a group of ambitious college students and one crazy professor. The goal of HELP International is to assist the poor of the developing nations to improve their quality of life while developing competent student and community leaders for tomorrow's continued fight against poverty. HELP focuses international development and social entrepreneurship. Formally, the mission is to provide a life changing experience through service to the poor. We accomplish this by recruiting and training college-age volunteers who then work to achieve sustainable development with our local partner organizations in Uganda, Guatemala, or El Salvador.

The following are accomplishments of this summer alone:

• 65 homes visited with personal health instruction
• 170 graduates form English training courses
• 190 graduates from business training courses
• 500 graduates from teacher training courses
• 420 stoves built with cement and chimneys supplied
• 600 people with access to new square foot gardens
• 3 school rooms constructed
• 6 showers constructed for HIV/AIDS positive individuals
• 1 playground constructed
• 1 chicken coupe constructed
• 1 pig pen constructed
• 1 computer lab constructed with 4 computers donated and installed
• 3 libraries constructed with over 1000 books donated
• 100 school kits donated
• 100 hygiene kits donated
• 3 wheelchairs, 2 standing frames, and 1 sitting frame donated to children with disabilities
• 6 mattresses and covers donated to needy families
• 1000's of hours spent with orphans, street children, disabled kids and adults, teen mothers, and other abandoned children
• 89+ social entrepreneurs created, young adults from up and coming generation who now have a better understanding of their world and the difference that they can make

I know that alot of these are just numbers, but all of these numbers have faces - individual faces of people whose lives were changed this summer. I am so proud to be a part of this organization and hope that I can continue do serve and work to alleviate poverty for the rest of my life.

Stay tuned with a box of tissues for the real-life stories that go with all these numbers . . .